Fruggums

thoughts and thinkings by azhar chougle 
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funny

 

JFK - BOM in 28 hours

That's right. A trip that should take around 14 hours doubled into 28. Here's the story.

Snowstorm is about to hit NYC so I get out early to the airport. Reach at around 2, check-in, security and hanging about by 3. Flight departs at 6.

We're all on the plane and JFK starts getting raped by snow. It takes two hours to get the plane moving and then de-iced. So we leave by around 8PM. Around half an hour after we leave, JFK shuts down.

Delay : 2 hours

All goes well and we reach Brussels an hour late but that's alright since I still have an hour to catch my flight to Bombay. So we get into the holding pattern over Brussels with visibility at nil. Captain Oliver informs us that we can do this for two hours if we have to. An hour later, Brussels shuts down. 

Delay : 3 hours

So we head over to the alternate airport 10 minutes away.

Liege.

I know you have no idea where that is. Well, a bit southwest of Brussels, Liege would be the transit point between Earth and Eternal Doom.

There's pretty much nothing at Liege airport. Four tortured souls comprise the ground staff and the only excitement around is the large TNT logistics hub. Mainly a freight airport, the place didn't even have facilities to offload luggage. Belgian authorities didn't want us to get off the plane anyways (not even the Belgian citizens, some of whom lived 30 mins away). So there we were, stuck in Liege, sitting on the plane waiting for Brussels to open up again.

2 hours later, Liege shuts down.

So now with both Liege and Brussels closed, the situation becomes pretty aggravating. Note that throughout all this there's a baby crying a row ahead of me. It wouldn't stop throughout the entire flight/ordeal. 

Adding to Liege's reputation of 'Gateway to Hell', it has no food. The pilot was gracious enough to procure something from somewhere (apparently a catering company). What it ended up being was a bun (a third the size of a normal bun) with a slice of ham (the 'non-vegetarian' option) or cheese (the 'vegetarian' option). I wish I had taken a photo of this thing. It was so small you could drop it in the aisle and you'd need a torch to find it. That's what they managed to organize after four and a half hours of sitting on the apron in Liege.

2 hours later (now we've been here for more than 6 hours, still in the plane), the new captain (Captain Oliver exceeded the maximum permissible flying hours for his day) announced Brussels was open. Hey, this is great news! We should be out of here in minutes! The plane was de-iced and then we waited to get going.

But no.

Being Liege, gateway to hell, they didn't have a pushback truck with the adapter to attach to an Airbus (hell has obviously been privatized by an American company). So they had to send for one from god-knows-where.

Well it did finally arrive eventually. Our new douchebag captain didn't realize that the plane would ice up again and he had to begin de-icing all over again after we did push back. This was to be expected.

So we flew the 10 minutes back to Brussels. It was a beautiful 10 minutes though. Rural Belgium, covered in snow, at an orange sunset, and we were hardly a few thousand feet up thanks to our bus-ride-like-trip.

Delay : 10 hours 

So we arrive at Brussels and are instructed to go to B40 to figure out the situation. The flight to Bombay left hours ago, so they had no option but to send us to -

Chennai. Jet Airways being the only airline flying to India out of Brussels.

Of course this flight departed an hour late too. Passing over the Arabian Sea we flew right past Bombay and into Chennai. The next connecting flight to Bombay was around two hours later by the time us JFK people got our bags (absolutely last, of course).

Delay : 11 hours 

And then the flight to Chennai, two hours later. We had to pass through customs and immigration at Chennai before heading to the domestic terminal. At which point we weren't allowed in because we didn't have tickets. The Jet Airways staff was of course, ill-prepared and as confused as a Beanie cap with opposite pole magnets in each rotor. After finally getting in by harassing some trying-to-be-courteous asshole staff guy we get onto this all-economy 737 and begin the one and a half hour flight to Bombay. Half an hour late, of course.

Delay : 13 hours

(License for this image : Creative Commons Attribution Non-Commerical Share-Alike)

Flying into Bombay was a treat actually. We flew right over the tip of Bombay (the docks, Gateway of India, all that) and then circled round into the airport. 

Then finally, landed in Bombay, got the bags, hopped into a cab, bought a bottle of Bisleri en route, and headed home. 

Arrived 14 hours after my scheduled arrival. 

Now most of this was due to weather in Belgium, agreed. But Jet Airways had a big part to play in this mess as well. Picking an alternate airport which is completely unprepared to handle a diverted flight (in terms of equipment on the ground and basic things such as food) was just stupid. That was the main cause for much of the suffering. During the rest of it they managed alright though.

Anyways, good to be home. 

Azhar Chougle | www.azharc.com

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Filed under  //   funny   india   mumbai   nyc   random   rant   travel  

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My Bio-Discography

The Bio-Disc is really, quite a stupendous product.

                                                 
Click here to download:
My_Bio-Discography.zip (1476 KB)

There's nothing like it. What other device can make your cats jumpier, your hair softer, your vodka smoother, your veggies fresher, your sleep better, your car more fuel-efficient, heal Parkinson's disease, prevent jet-lag and make you the biggest dumbf**k on the planet.

This $300 piece of glass (feels like plastic, but fine, it's glass) claims to do all that and more by producing 'Beta Rhythm Resonance' (oh yes, that!) and 'Scalar Energy' using of course, nanotechnology (d'oh). And the secret to it's effectiveness? It 'restores the molecular structure of water', because obviously, there was something wrong with H2O in the first place.

In the pamphlet I've pictured above one can discover the many wonders of this amazing product. Do have a look. The last page is the best.

And then have a laugh at the thousands of people who bought it. Apparently the one aspect of your life this can't fix is extracting your brain back out of your ass.

You know, there's hardly any convincing required here. This thing is apparently made by fusing 13 types of 'technically engineered' minerals into the glass at 3000 degrees (Kelvin? Now that's convincing enough for most people). This is probably the only believable part of the entire thing because I'd assume if you mix some salt, tabasco and rat feces into the sand you make the glass with, you'd have fused some crap into it. 

I assure you there is no need for you to see, touch, taste, use or test this product to believe that it is a complete and utter lie. Just look at their websites.
http://www.biodisc-energy.com/
http://bioenergiseme.com/

After ranting on for countless paragraphs about it's amazing healing power they'll cite labs and sources that don't actually exist and then slap on some testimonials about people all over the world who benefited 
marvelously from a $300 piece of plastic (alright, alright - glass).

I hardly need to present my logical (like why is the entire medical community unaware of such a miraculous product?) or scientific (oh don't get me started) arguments here because anyone with a little common sense will know by looking at that pamphlet, that it is indeed, a scam.

But people still buy it. And use it. And then call me an absolute retard for not believing in it's magical powers (of course then prescribing me 3 liters of super-alpha-energized water per day). There's no point convincing them though, because people will hardly ever admit that the $300 piece of glass they just bought is made in China for $2 and has absolutely no capabilities except for making you a dumbf**k (which, mind you, not many products can do these days).

So the only thing I can say is, which f**king genius thought of this before I did.

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Facebook Photos

Hey, what? I love digital photography. Sadly sometimes I wish it wasn't invented (I'd be happy with just film if digital never came along).

Reason : Facebook photos.

Never before have people felt the need to document every single moment of their pointless lives with overexposed compositionless flashfull photographs. I bet you at any gathering of two or more people who have Facebook accounts, 512MB (or more if the person in question spent money on a camera they have no idea how to use, except for...) of the world's data will fall into oblivion with the amount of rubbish pictures they'll start snapping away.

With each person having their dedicated 'Facebook Face' (girls, I know you practice it in front of the mirror, daily), pictures go on and on. The typical 'oh look, our hands!' picture and others of the sort.

You know I wouldn't mind it if you took a few photos. Thats alright. Hey, photographs are a good thing. But when you organize events and gatherings with a firm purpose to create Facebook photos, sorry, go away.

And people, lets leave the real photography to photographers. We don't need to see your schmancy mirror poses (ugh) and your -oh-my-good-god-sepia! processing. 

New phenomenon by the way, Photo Booth. Not only is it sad that now people are buying Macs because they're 'cool' (instead of buying a Mac because its a Mac), the only application they seem to make due use of is photo booth. I mean, people spend days in front of it, posing with their friends, using those ghastly effects, and all for... Facebook.

Why the need to take all these photos though? To show off? My my thats childish. I agree sometimes the photos make sense, moments and all that, but not 221 of the same people in different poses (is it your solution to backing up photos?). Is it peer pressure? Because everyone else takes these photos you must to? Your photo count is too low? I'm not really sure.

Before Facebook, you could turn a corner without having to stare at a giggly-girls-group photo shoot. Why didn't you all take pictures back then, before Facebook? Oh right, because back then it wouldn't increase your Facebook photo count, isn't that right? Sure, you'd still take pictures, but you wouldn't drain your camera battery doing so.

Meeting friends is becoming an event for more Facebook pictures rather than actually meeting them. Half the time, or more, will be spent taking pictures. Events will have that recurring pause for Facebook pictures. Everyone will line up to be shot (sigh, its a camera and not a rifle) and the flash fires and whoopee, lets do 78 more, 76 of which will look exactly the same.

I could really go on about this forever, instead, I'll classify these twerps by their photo count (these are general guidelines so as always there are exceptions):

 

  1. 0-100 : You have lived at least 43 hours more than your fellow Facebookers due to not being interrupted for photos. You don't pose for it, and if you do you are usually forced to do so. Your pictures are genuine moments you wanted to treasure. You live life well, you can sit down and have a real conversation with someone. You are reliable and trustworthy. I salute you.
  2. 100-500 : You party. You are guilty for Facebook photos but around half of them weren't taken by you. You are a nice person to talk to, have genuine interests, and maintain an active lifestyle, but you succumb to Facebook photos more than you should.
  3. 500-1,435,980 : You own six digital cameras. You pay homeless people to take Facebook photos. You party a lot, suffer from addictions, and can't hold a decent conversation with a straw (which you sometimes talk to and take photos with). You need psychiatric attention, your friends can't help you, because they also fall into this class. If you are reading this, call, 1-800-FACKBOOKADDICT.

 

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HoF

We all know about rickrolling. Its been pretty much impossible to avoid (have you managed to avoid it?). Its getting old (really really slowly though, as slow as LOLcats)


By chance I stumbled upon something as idiotic and fascinating. @SamarthB and I have had several amazing coincidences over the past couple of years. So it happened again, when he just happened to pick his song of the day that Genius (the iTunes one) duly played it. While I referred to it as coincidence, he referred to it as an action of the hand of fate.

Now we refer to it as a HoF. But there's more to it. Whenever one of these HoF's occur, you can't just say it, instead, you must link to a picture of Dustin Hoffman (a new one every time, the more adventurous of you will go well beyond Google Images), the hand of fate, who is responsible for all coincidences in this world.

(Doesn't he look really hand of fate-ish? I mean look at this this and this)

So the next time you happen to have some sort of coincidence, make sure you HoF it.

(As you can tell, I'm not getting much sleep these days) 

Azhar Chougle | www.azharc.com




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The Chougle of NY

In all probability, I'm the only person in New York state with the last name 'Chougle'. Well, at least the only one with significant (legal?) presence here. 

It says there are approximately two persons with the last name Chougle. Probably because I've entered the country twice? Or, it does say approximately, so its probably wrong. But if there's more than one, I'd like the meet the other Chougle.

Well its probably untrue but a fun thought (and coincidence) anyways. 

 

 

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